She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
