come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
