I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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