I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
