My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
