Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Bang-toberfest begins!!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
