you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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