I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
