he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
