I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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