We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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