the condom got lost in my hair
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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