can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
