So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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