Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
