i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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