found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
