His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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