Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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