Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize