I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
