WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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