Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
