my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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