mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
