It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
