Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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