bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The uberlube is also flammable
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
