oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
