I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
