My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
