you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
