Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
