am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
