Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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