We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
