Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Dick very happy bro
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
