I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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