:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
