Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
