i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish I only lived at night.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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