curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
