I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
