I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
