Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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