After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
