dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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