I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
this beer tastes like vomit already
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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