i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
They are going to name an STD after you.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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