Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
