Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
