Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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