saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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