i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
