Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
