hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
