I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
