I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
