it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
they need to just BURY HIM!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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