i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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