My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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